The Strange Truth About Sleep: The Harder You Try, the Less It Comes
Sleep is one of the few things in life that effort makes worse. Here is why, and how to step out of the struggle.
Photo by Greg Pappas on Unsplash
Most things in life get better when we try harder. Work, exercise, learning a new skill. Sleep is different. Many people with poor sleep notice the same strange thing: the harder they try to fall asleep, the more awake they feel.
Why effort keeps you awake
Falling asleep is not something we do. It is something that happens to us when the body feels safe enough to let go.
When we try hard to sleep, we send the opposite message. We check the time. We tell ourselves "I have to sleep now." We worry about tomorrow. To the body, all of this looks like a problem to solve, and problems keep us alert.
Over time, the bed itself can become a place of struggle. Some people feel sleepy on the sofa, then wide awake the moment their head touches the pillow.
Swap the goal
Instead of trying to sleep, try to rest. Your only job in bed is to lie comfortably and let your body be still. If sleep comes, good. If not, you are still resting.
This small change takes away the pressure, and pressure is often the thing that was keeping sleep away.
Small ways to stop the struggle
- Hide the clock. If you don't know the time, you can't count the hours.
- Go to bed when you are sleepy, not just tired. Sleepy means your eyes are heavy and your head nods. Tired can just mean worn out.
- Keep the same wake-up time every day, even after a bad night. This is one of the most useful habits for steady sleep.
- Get up if the struggle starts. If you are frustrated and wide awake, go to another room for a while and come back when you feel sleepy.
- Give your mind something gentle to hold, like a slow breath, a calm memory or a simple counting game.
What the experts use
Many sleep specialists use a set of methods called cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, often shortened to CBT-I. Much of it is about exactly this: rebuilding a calm relationship with bed and sleep. If your sleep problems have lasted for months, it is worth asking your doctor about it.
Be kind to yourself
Poor sleep is not a personal failure. It is a pattern, and patterns can change. Start with one small thing tonight, and let sleep come to you.
